“I mean fuck Mark, do you get off on this or something?”
Words…words…the power of words. Before I knew it I wrote it and it slipped out of my hands and onto a most irritating person.
Now, some of you reading this may be like, ‘Cassie, how could you say that? You write the most beautiful stuff…where did this come from?’ And others reading this may be thinking, ‘not seeing the big deal here.’ Oh the beauty of perspective.
If I may give a backstory to explain why this is causing me such grievance? I recently hired this gentleman to help me with an FB ad. To not go into the annoying details of this transaction I exercised an adequate and compassionate amount of patience and trust in his ability to produce the work that he claimed to be able to do only to find myself in a not-so-pleasant situation. Through a variety of emails sent back and forth over weeks and a refusal on this person’s part to speak to me on the phone I could see that whatever it was that I paid for was not being handled to the best of his ability (or maybe that was his best, who knows) and I had to ask for a refund. The timelines were way off, the results were dismal and the agreements on what was to be delivered were not being delivered.
Truthfully, I don’t like these parts of business. I don’t like conflict. I don’t like drama. I don’t like that this situation brought out the worst in me. There it is, right there. The reason why it is 12:54 AM and I cannot sleep.
Shame, guilt, remorse. I don’t like that through the entire experience I was gracious, kind, understanding and sympathetic to the point of me not standing up for myself in my business and at the very end when I felt I was being completely ignored and steam rolled over I lashed out.
No one would know this though right? No one would know that I said the words that were not at all warranted, no one would know that I feel so crummy that I actually let my ego get in the way of my soul. But that’s not what I’m about. I’m not about only showing the pretty stuff, the love stuff, the “I am calm and centered and desire that all people be loved” part. Yeah, I usually am. I usually don’t hit the send button before I’ve had a chance to cool down but this one got to me.
On any level being ignored really sucks you know? Feeling as if you as a person are not actually being heard…that really gets to me. I pride myself on my ability to be able to listen to a person’s story and respond with love, compassion, understanding. When I found myself in a situation where not only was I being ignored but also I wasn’t really being heard and realized I was being pushed off I retaliated and that really gets to me.
So why share this? Because there is power when we do not carry our shame in silence. I have been thinking about this all day long. I have filed for a dispute and actually have a case so I know I’m not crazy and unreasonable. I have sought guidance and refused to publicly name this person to give him the benefit of the doubt to attempt to rectify the situation and all because of that one sentence I feel like shit. I let myself down and a big part of me feels like I let my community down.
I don’t want to be the coach, heck, I don’t want to be the person who can share only the good stuff and not the stuff that makes me feel less credible. I can share it all and not attach myself to the outcome. I refuse to live my life based on other people’s standards. These are the raw moments…these are the moments when the internal soul shift changes take place.
I know this was a lesson and that even writing this tonight has allowed me to reaffirm within myself how crippling shame and guilt can be in our lives. Will we always live each moment of our lives making the best decisions for ourselves and those around us? No. And when I allow myself to not beat myself up for not responding from love and share the yucky moments in life for whomever is battling with their own demons in their mind I realign my vibrations with the intention to amend the situation and also, to speak into anyone’s life right now who is in the cycle of shame.
It is a vicious cycle and it will steal your joy every single time. You are enough, I am enough. The message of self worth showed up for me beautifully throughout this whole situation and I hope that you are feeling those currents in your life right now as well. Self worth and living a life that is compassionate towards others does not mean choosing to be voiceless when you are being mistreated. Self worth means you speak your truth even when it may not be reciprocated well and you love yourself even when you don’t respond well.
These words do not mean I do not love people. These words mean that I am people. No one is above you, no one is below you. I accept myself for who I am and the love that created me and I ask you to do the same for who you are and the love that was poured into you.
Affirmation: I am at peace with the humanness and the spirit of who I am. I acknowledge both and treat myself and others with compassion, love and understanding.
I can realign..and so can you. The cycle breaks when we own our shame story. (Thank you Brene Brown for you infinite wisdom). So in writing this I literally break my shame story and know that I am still me. I am still worthy of love and abundance and I do not have to second guess who I am. I am free to step into a new day leaving yesterday where it is and embracing the delicious choices that are always there for me.
If this message really spoke to you and you have been carrying around your own shame story for too long find your own way to share it. It doesn’t have to be as public as this is (this is just how I roll) but you can always speak to a trusted friend, email me if you like, or just even get the words out on paper for when that moment of courage strikes you and you are ready to share.
You are never alone in your journey. Love and peace always…yep, I can say those words too. I love me in my mess and when I am in alignment too.
*name was changed in order to respect the integrity of the mentioned person as I am not into shaming. And if your name is Mark, I am sure you are a rad human being!