I JUST DON’T KNOW WHERE I FIT IN.

I just don’t know where I fit in. I am in one of the happiest times in my life right now, my heart is filled with gratitude like it has never been before. My mindset has transformed from being incredibly negative to radiating with light and positivity I truly believe anything is possible. My love for myself is not bogged down by shame and self-loathing and because of that my love for humanity has grown immensely and I actually get to be of service to people now. It is so beautiful, it is so free, so purposeful and I have SO many people to thank for where I am today. Every one of them is from a different background, a different belief system, a different era, lifestyle…I mean you name it. My tribe is a beautiful work of art each complementing the next and adding beauty to the overall work. So why do I feel this way? Why with all the beauty around do I wonder where I fit in Spiritually? Ah, there’s the kicker.

See, this past year has been incredibly transformative for me in all areas of my life including my spirituality. I have always been intuitive, always been guided, always been able to feel people and see who they are rather quickly. I have always felt deeply connected to the Earth and the mysteries she holds and I have always sung praises to my Creator. I have always deeply loved animals and believed they had access to an awareness that some of us never fully access and I have always believed that there is a mystery to life and why we are here that we will not ever fully understand…there are no clear answers from what I can tell, humbly speaking.

Lately however there seems to be a stirring that is requiring me to address my spirituality at the present moment. Knowing that it has the freedom to change and knowing that it is always growing because I am always learning so I will describe this to the best of my ability. My biggest fear of being labelled a Christian is being lumped into the judgmental, fear-based doctrine that often (not all the time) but often shows up in this label. I have experienced this personally on both sides. I have myself been incredibly judgmental of people in the past and some of my most unloving years to myself and to others has been when I would have called myself a Christian. I’m not super happy about that. And I have also experienced the other side. Now being judged for the slightest of things and even more so, being told by individuals that I am being dangerous with my spirituality, that they “love me” but would like it if I was more careful with what I put out there or write. This I find very confusing. Now, I am wise enough to take all things into consideration and only respond if I feel it necessary as well as I am able to see other people’s perspectives and feel out the underlying triggers for them (thank God for that gifting) so for the most part, I am truly happy to accept their perspective and continue on in my joy and in my journey.

But one of the most recent events has really stirred up a lot of questions in my heart and soul and I believe that by putting these questions and statements out there I will attract answers or will at least, create a peace that seems to be lacking at the current moment.

Perhaps you have felt this way and let me preface that by writing this I am not saying my way is right,  I am not saying I don’t believe in God, I am not saying that I have any answers. This is truly a feeling that has been with me since I was a little child and when I ignored it as an adult it twisted me both physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually so I have learned it is best to not ignore.

Being part of a religious ideology has often felt for me:

  • Feeling restricted by it. Not because of what would be classified as sin but because quite often the restriction felt like control and less about love.
  • I love humanity so much and know what it is like to love a child with such intensity. No matter what, I will never not love my child. The association that this brings up for me in regards to eternity in Hell I struggle with greatly. I have done research through a variety of blogs written by a variety of experts (pastors, reformed Christians, etc) and I cannot find one to date that brings any ease into this horrific example of what life after death is like for so many. If God, is my Heavenly Father, I understand the perspective that children do require discipline but I would never send my son or daughter to their room in a dark and sidious dungeon for all of eternity just because they didn’t believe in me. This is possibly the hardest one for me to come to terms with. Who am I to think of myself as better than anyone else? I am deeply respectful of other people’s beliefs but when I hear this I do not hear eternal love. I hear condemnation. Perhaps this is my own personal struggle? Perhaps I have misunderstood something but when confronted with this something inside of me says, this just doesn’t make sense.
  • When I say things like Mother Earth I am talking about the respect and reverence I have for Creation. She is a gift that has been given to us and yes, she has an energy to her and yes, I call her a she because as a woman I am capable of literally birthing life. Our earth does the same thing even if the only way you can view it is that it was created by God, since God to my understanding is neither a man nor a woman I would love to reference She for when I speak of how beautiful this earth is. Native Americans understood this so well. How to take care of the land, how to not deplete her, how to live with her. Leading me to the next part…
  • What of other teachings? Are we not here to learn from one another or are we here to make everyone believe the same thing? I don’t get it and truthfully even in my most zealous years as a Christian I would completely close myself off to learning about other religions deeming them all below mine. Is this really the way in which we love one another?
  • And then what of people? We were created with free will…created to have conscious minds that process thoughts. We have learned that our body is literally made up of energy which existentially means we are made up of a substance that you can’t even see and the entire planet is made up this way. We were given the tools and the ability to reason, to think of multiple thoughts at the same time, given a vast array of emotions, sensors, problem solving skills and the ability to be as diverse as anything I have ever come across to date on this planet and yet we are meant to all comply under one umbrella thought of what heaven and hell are and whose God is better than the other’s gods, and how many people will actually make it to eternity and whether or not aliens exist and if they do who made them, and was it a bang or a progression into existence and did we actually ride in on a giant turtle or was it physics that created this whole planet and because one book proclaims truth it negates all the other books proclaiming truth and it is okay to abolish a whole culture of people, murder, pillage and rape in the name of your God as long as everyone ends up going to heaven in the end and taking care of the poor is not enough if it is not done in God’s name and is deemed less serving if it is done just for a sheer love of a human being and don’t even get me started on the whole gay rights thing because at one point a beautiful African American soul could not even use the same bathroom as a Caucasian and were viewed as below any western idea of religion and what of purgatory, reincarnation, ghosts, I mean, the sheer volume of all the discrepancies is overwhelming isn’t it? I mean…seriously, what of people? All religions have suffered the ill-effects of wanting power and dominion over something or someone. All.

Listen, I have had the most beautiful visions and spiritual experiences with God. Whenever I feel compelled to pray it is Him that I pray to because I believe He exists. I just struggle with the concept that I am the only person in this Universe that has the exact right answer. So some may want to say to me, “But Cassie, where is your FAITH?” And I would politely have to ask them, “Where is yours?” I have faith. In fact, allowing myself to believe again has been the most surrendering of all processes that I have been through up to this point in my life so please, this is not a question of faith.

This is a question of trying to understand something that I do not believe we were ever meant to fully understand.

If God is totally your thing and you are incredibly happy, fulfilled, at peace, doing your thing, loving people, being kind, receiving the differences on this planet and are a firm believer in the Bible I commend you. I think that is truly beautiful and I totally get it. In a sense, I am right there with you. But there are some questions that linger in my spirit that cause me to really look at all of humanity knowing that we are all far from perfect. I want to love my neighbour for who they were created to be casting no judgment and being respectful of human life and individual choice.

There are 4200 different kinds of religion on this planet. I assure you I have not had the time to research them all and am not an expert in this area at all. As I mentioned before I do not have the answers…I only have questions but in this process of trying to understand I ask that people be kind. Please do not tell me that you are worried about my soul because I believe in Light and that there is light in this world. Please do not send me personal messages telling me a symbol is a gay rights symbol as if to imply that I should somehow not be using it and then proceed to say you “love me.” When someone is on a journey who do you think they will want to turn to for guidance when a question arises as to where they should head next? To the person who shows up in the world as being loving and accepting of ALL people no matter their stage in life or the person who is constantly trying to steer them for their own gain?

I understand the importance of protecting one’s Spirit. If there is as much good as I believe there is in the World I also know there is just as much bad. Even within Scriptures there are contradicting teachings that require a delicate analysis to take the time period, customs, and any other language variables into account and I am not a scholar in this but truthfully, I’m not trying to prove my views as right. If you see someone that you know doing something that puzzles you, triggers you, gives you a compelling desire to speak to them so that you can “help” them and you do not first proceed with, “Hey, how’s it going?” then stop. Ask yourself, why do I feel compelled to say something? What has this person said that is causing me to feel this way? More often than not, whatever that person said probably has more to do with how you are feeling about yourself and is more than likely attached to your own story of pain than anything else.

If we could just stop trying to find the faults in one another and adopted the mindset of understanding and engaging in the right questions there would be so many less misunderstandings, so much less segregation and little need to control. I am responsible for how I show up in this world, as are you. I am one person with one perspective and what I have shared with you today is a part of my journey. I don’t know what tomorrow brings and what new information will be discovered but I do know that I am more at peace in giving myself permission to explore, to learn and to listen to other people’s individual stories. The more I listen I realize that we are not as different as we might think and truly the more beauty I see in our differences.

Even in this commentary there are so many more things I could bring up that I truly don’t understand. I’m like a kid, trying to figure out where I fit into all the happenings in the World. I am not trying to sway anyone to follow me and truthfully, I am more than likely wrong about a lot of stuff but I know where my intentions are. My intention is to L O V E people. To tell them that they are so beautiful. To show them that they are a gift to this world. My heart’s desire is for P E A C E. If you have come across any literature, videos, or if you just resonate with this on some level would you graciously pass that info along or send me a message? I am open to listening but will not put up with judgment and narrow minded view points.

 

XO,

 

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